Sexual abuse in marriage isn’t talked about much.
Why?
I think the simple answer to this is because it’s believed that it’s not even a real issue. It’s not even relevant when it comes to marriage.
But it should be.
Sexual abuse in marriage is, sadly, way more common than people realise and it is a very serious issue.
Why though, in the church, is it not really even talked about, little alone seen as an issue?
From my personal experience there is two main reasons.
1. We are taught that once married you no longer own your body. It is your husbands.
2. We are taught that sex, aside from for procreating, is all about men.
Men need it. Period. It’s not generally seen as something that both men and women need and want. Just the men.
Follow that with purity culture and you have a recipe for disaster.
An entire group of people, generations even, with the belief that women are men’s property to have sex with when ever they want.
Now I know that this is not true of all churches, there are bound to be some that speak up against such beliefs and teach the truth.But these beliefs are quiet widely believed in Christian circles. Whether or not its been intentionally taught or not, it’s a common belief for many Christians.
I grew up believing that sex was something for men, and you were to give it to your husband whenever he wanted, no matter what.
Even if you were tired or sick. Or had just had a baby.
You do not withhold sex from your husband for any reason.
I can honestly say these words exactly were never said to me, but the way of the conversations and the books and teaching we had in our home, and church, insinuated this.
Sexual abuse, when talked about, was always outside of marriage or from some one else who wasn’t the spouse.
Spouse rape was NEVER talked about ever. It was as if it didn’t exist.
I personally have experience sexual abuse in marriage. Why did I put up with it?
Because I believed it wasn’t even real. You can’t be abused sexually when you are married.
Because of what I was taught ( and not taught) I thought what he was doing was perfectly ok.
It was slowly destroying me inside but hey, I thought I must be the problem, after all, he wasn’t doing anything wrong apparently.
These sort of beliefs are destroying women all over the world.
In a place where they should feel safe, protected and loved, they are fighting against their own belief that something must be wrong with them, because they are hurting, feeling withdrawn and used.
They don’t realise this is because of the fact we are taught so wrongly about sex and marriage.
I am one of those women. And until a friend told me, “Thats abuse”, I didn’t realise. even then I didn’t fully believe it. It has taken me months and months. Years in fact, to realise the truth.
We need to have this conversation. It needs to be talked about. It’s time to bring the truth to light and put a stop to so many women suffering.
It’s time to speak up.
Emma Lacey 